I’m working on being less blobby.
I’m super busy though.
But I want to write more.
So I guess I’m also working on being more bloggy?
I’m working on being less blobby.
I’m super busy though.
But I want to write more.
So I guess I’m also working on being more bloggy?
Disclaimer: what I am about to say is in no way, shape or form against the incredible and effective product that is weight watchers. Seriously, I love WW. Like, a lot.
This morning, in an act of desperation, against all evidence pointing to: DOES NOT FIT IN OUR BUDGET, I attempted to reactivate my weight watchers membership. I have arrived at the point that brought me to WW the first time: knowing that without shelling out a lot of cash for it, I’m incapable of helping myself figure this out.
I am known for being successful at weight loss if I’m spending money on it. I was AWESOME at weight watchers ($35 a month), lunch-hour workouts ($26 a month) and the occasional race training ($30-50/race) and DietBet ($10-25/bet). Now? Well, because we are on budget lock down for the next foreseeable ever, every choice I make has to be worthwhile.
Don’t get me wrong, WW is totally worthwhile. But with a million and 1 tools out there for free and with the knowledge that I pretty much already have to know how it works and how to do it, I find myself arriving at a place where, whilst discussing whether or not I should hit the payment button for WW or not with my husband he kindly reminds me that I don’t need WW, I need to Nike-up and JUST DO IT.
It’s true, I’ve been whining for months about something I know how to do because I’ve already done it and I did it well. To the point where I was just living it, no real tracking and counting required.
And the first thing I remembered from my first few weeks on WW was that I was hungry. I got to the end of my first few days having eaten all of my points, borrowed from the extra points and I was still starving. Why? Because when I ate the correct portions of food for a (then) 27 year old woman, I found that my body was used to so much more and it was craving the overeating I had always been doing. I had to learn to just sit with my hunger. I knew I had all of my caloric and nutritional needs met after planning balanced, fresh meals with tons of whole grains, lean meats, proteins and oils. But I was still hungry and I had to learn to fill up on fruits, veggies and water. Once I got the hang of that, not only did the weight start flying off, so did my cravings and my hunger pains.
But I can never forget that feeling of hunger those first 2 weeks. Knowing full well, I didn’t necessarily need more food, especially if I hadn’t worked out. I just thought I needed more because emotionally, I didn’t feel all that satisfied. There was no over-the-top sweetness or fatty flavors. Over time, I found ways to satisfy those feelings with healthier options. I learned how to detach my emotions from my nutritional needs. I found ways to really “save my points” for the meals or celebrations that mattered and I learned how to re-prioritize my diet and be more intentional about my choices.
That’s what was so great about weight watchers, it provided me with the structure I needed to LEARN HOW TO EAT and also plan and find balance. Now, I would argue that I need that structure once again, and if I pay for it I will have it but we all know that that’s now how it works. But I know how to do it, it’s there, the skill to do it, it’s still all on paper and in the books and bookmarked websites and the places I learned to turn to create that structure all on my own.
What I need now is the will to do it. I have to have the desire to do it. I have to, for lack of a better word, be hungry for it.
So today, I choose hunger.
I got on the scale this morning. What I knew was happening showed up in the numbers: I’m up by over 5lbs from my lowest weight for the first time in over 2 years (not including my pregnancy).
It’s no surprise, I’m finally going out a little more, having some drinks, checking out restaurants. Portion-control is totally out the window and I’ve been hitting the junk food a lot, something that hasn’t effected me all that much until now as I’m cutting back on breastfeeding around the clock. The bonus of burning an extra 500 calories a day is no more!
All of this plus my return to being mostly sedentary has culminated to my finally hitting the panic button this morning. It’s what I need. I need to be scared and worried. I need to be punched in the proverbial gut with a dose of reality. The fear is making me wake up. It’s making me responsive again. Alert. Aware. Already today, I’ve walked to the far away bathroom twice. I’m on already on my second refill of my 32 oz water bottle and it’s not even noon. I’m charging my fitbit and firing up My Fitness Pal. I’ve committed to 2 pacts on Pact. I’m asking people on my facebook page to join me on a small challenge for the week.
I’m not going to keep slipping backwards. Why? Because it’s no fun back there. I just got done donating my old size 20 and 18 clothes when we moved in December.
If I slip back I have to BUY THOSE SIZES AGAIN.
If I slip back, I will start hiding in pictures and avoid looking in the mirror.
If I slip back, I won’t feel as sexy in front of my husband.
If I slip back, I may never get those race medals out of my sock drawer.
If I slip back, I’ll find myself slightly depressed, passive and unwilling to play outside with my kids.
If I slip back, I will feel less like the real me.
I often struggle with weight loss making me feel beautiful. I bounce back and forth between focusing on what I want to look and feel like for me versus what I want everyone else to see. A doctor or personal trainer might use the scale to rate my level of health but I use it to rate how willing or unwilling I am to take care of myself. The thing is, if I’m a size 16 for the rest of my life, I’m pretty ok with that as I have learned in the last year or so. I arrived at this size right before my pregnancy last year and I have been here since then and I’ve been pretty content. What I am scared about is the prospect of going BACK. Back to a time that had nothing to do with taking care of myself. Weight and clothing sizes are nothing but numbers, this I know to be true. But there are certain numbers that alert me to the fact that I am forgetting to nurture myself from the inside out. The number on the scale I saw today and the tight fit of my jeans over the weekend was a wake up call. I’m slipping on my self-care. I’m treating every day like a holiday and I’m quickly forgetting what it’s like to truly “treat myself” or enjoy a special occasion. I’m “eating my feelings” a lot lately, feelings associated with being tired (which is always because kids), stressed (which is always because kids and my job) and stretched a little thin (which is always because I’m a stubborn multitasker that likes attention).
So really, enough is enough already with the use of food as a coping mechanism. That was the old schtick that made me miserable. Although it is true that every day is a gift worth celebrating, I think I’m finally ready to stop partying it up with daily cake and get back to business.
Originally posted on eric mata:
As you may have heard, the President of Oklahoma University has used his executive authority to expel some of the students who lead the disgusting, racist chant by the OU chapter of Sigma Alpha Epsilon.
I’ve seen it posted on several Student Affairs related Facebook pages and I’m astounded at the number of folks who have talked about their uncomfortableness with the decision, mostly citing their desire to engage these white men in educational opportunities that would help them understand how their behavior was problematic.
I get it. I do. I served as Social Justice Education Coordinator in a previous role and I strongly believe in the role educational experiences can play in the lives of student, staff, faculty and administrators on our campuses.
As Student Affairs professionals, we have long been told by our graduate programs and institutions to challenge and support. It’s an underlying tenet of the work…
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Eh…I have a confession, it’s been a series of false starts and I’ll tell you why: I’m not getting enough sleep. Sleep deprivation is a HUGE weight loss shut down, it’s a scientific fact. Right now, this is the daily cycle at home Mondays through Thursdays:
I knew this would happen. When I lost the weight before babydos, it was because SLEEP WAS HAPPENING! We all were sleeping through the night pretty soundly. My daughter was staying asleep until breakfast time which meant I could get up early after 6-7 consecutive hours of sleep and workout or workout at lunch without feeling deprived. As it stands right now, I would pay money to sleep 4 or 5 hours in a row, uninterrupted. I had some great workouts last week but today, work is starting to pile up with 3 major events I’m planning happening all in the same week coming up among other things here and there. Usually, if this is happening, I try to get my healthful eating locked down so I can at least ingest healthy things but I find myself overeating or caving in to little goodies here and there.
So all this to say, DAMMIT THIS IS HARD. I keep tricking myself into believing that with a 10 minute commute to work and family nearby to help out this will be doable. I keep telling myself I don’t have to wait until my son turns 1 and his sleep regressions slow down like it did with his sister, I’m just going to power through anyway.
I know I sound like a broken record but I come back here and repeat myself to remind myself, and maybe you, that everyday is a fresh 24 hours of making choices. Sometimes you hit your stride and make awesome choices for several days, weeks, months, maybe even years in a row. And sometimes you go to bed defeated for days, weeks, months, maybe even several years in a row.
In other news: IT’S MY BLOGOVERSARY! 2 years ago today, I started this blog with the hope that I could a community of support around me. That has been the case and I thank each and every one of you who visit my little corner of the internet.
In other, other news, I’m hosting a Jamberry Party for one of my mami friends! If you love Jamberry nail wraps or are curious about trying some, you can order some through my party link here: Mariana’s Jamberry Party!
And if I get a healthy amount of orders, mama’s gonna score some nail wraps and I super need some:
Last week was a soft start. Much like a soft opening of a new restaurant in which you only let your investors, friends and family come try out the place before it opens to the public, I started off last week having brought healthier meals as a way to get my feet wet. The week went pretty well but this weekend was a bit shakey with mostly junky meals but little to no alcohol or snacking to make up for it a bit.
But today, today is the Grand Opening of Project Unfluff Part Deux. I have food for the day packed, I am heading to the gym as we speak with my new 5×5 workout spreadsheet printed and ready to go!
I even packed flip flops, a towel and shower gear in case I get super sweaty. It’s happening and I’m ready because I crave doing something for me once again. Taking care of 2 youngins nonstop really makes it easy to forget to take time to take care of yourself! But between the hours of 8 am and 5 pm Monday-Fridays I have a say on what happens with my lunch hour and breaks while daycare takes care of the rest so mama’s gonna go do her gym thang.
What are you taking care of this week??
I realize I’ve been ghost on here but relocating to a new city with 2 little ones has been nothing short of time-consuming! I had another great year even though health wise, I turned my focus away from weight loss as I spent the first 5 months of 2014 pregnant and all the time after just focusing on having a healthy breast milk supply and letting nature do its thang in regards to my postpartum weight loss. I’m happy to report that I arrived at my pre-pregnancy weight (which was 42 lbs down from my highest weight ever) and have remained there since June.
Now that my son is 8 months old and eating solids, it’s time to start focusing more attention on what I eat and how much exercise I’m getting. Truth is, the exercise part will be a challenge since we are still not sleeping through the night. If I learned one thing from my previous weight loss success, it’s that it’s pretty hard to nail down a great work out routine without a healthy amount of sleep. In my case, I’m particularly successful when I can work out first thing in morning but the way things are going lately, I’d be looking at lunch time or post-work work outs at best. I’ll ease into it, all I know is that it’s time to get focused once again because I’m halfway to my goal weight and I’d love to get there in 2015 because I turn 30 this year cue my uncontrollable sobs!
Just like last year’s recap post, here are the awesome things that happened in 2014!
That’s pretty much it. All baby related but such is life! I got back to prepping my meals and tracking this week and I’ve decided to start taking advantage of the free gym at work but this time I’m going to start weight lifting! After reaching out to my FitBloggin friends, I’ll be checking out The New Rules of Lifting for Women as soon as my new local library has it available. Barbells and dumbells and weight machines oh my!
What are you up this year? Tell me all about it!
Ugghhh. I know I said I was baaaack, but like, that’s only kind of true. I also know I’ve said many things on here about it not being ok to allow society/the patriarchy/media/overzealous fitness world people/judgmental toddlers dictate how you should feel about your body/appearance/weight but gosh darn it, sometimes they do and then you feel guilty. I’ve been trying to keep it together for those on the outside looking in, trying to keep up this image of someone trying “do it all” but that isn’t happening right now. And I’m undeniably super ok with this.
Maternity leave for me still hasn’t ended, at least not in my heart. My son is 4 months old and I thought I was going to kick some major postpartum ass this time around and maximize my weight loss by breastfeeding, working out and eating all the healthful things as soon as I got back to work but turns out, with my life revolving around not one but TWO children, one of which depends on me for all of his nourishment, the additional energy required to work out AND work is just not there for me right now. And with my heart not in it, I think it’s best for me to take some of the pressure off and just quietly take a step back and let myself breathe. I’ve always been the type of person strives to feel confident about who I am and not allow outside pressures to bring me down but these last few weeks, I have ended each day feeling really stinkin’ guilty. I feel like I’ve been letting myself, my family and all of you down. I feel like a lazy sack of I-don’t-know-what who just wants to sit around and eat cookies all day
like that one day last week when I actually ate cookies all day.But then I realized that’s just bullshit. I get up at 6 am every morning and I just don’t stop moving until the last child lays his or her pretty head down for the night which is usually between 8:30 and 9 pm. That leaves me with about an hour alone with my husband who has also gone through the same kind of day and lately, I’ve actually just gone to bed shortly after the kids have gone to sleep.
I swear I’m not trying to justify my feelings because honestly I don’t have to. But I do feel like I need to get this off my chest because I hate that I feel guilty. If you need some perspective, consider this: when I go to work and I’m not advising students or in meetings, that is the only time of the day I get to myself. And even though working out had become one of my favorite “me time” activities, right now, in this moment, it’s not how I want to spend that time. If I’m being totally honest, I would kill for a day off that only involved me laying on a couch reading fiction with unlimited coffee and
pastries [healthy] snacks at my side. So in the small moments during each day that I can spend reading, writing or just hanging out with other adults discussing things that don’t involve temper tantrums and teething, I’m pretty happy with that.
Life is full of so many arbitrary rules that I think far too many of us subscribe to and ultimately end up feeling guilty over when we start to break them. One of those rules is the general idea that once you’re done with pregnancy and you’re all healed up from the birth, you’re all out of excuses for being overweight/inactive/a poor eater. Adding a new member to your family is like a fourth trimester with a whole new set of rules. So on some nights, that might mean getting by on a dinner made of packaged ingredients or picked up at a drive thru (although, shout out to mancakes for cooking his ass off at least 5 mornings and nights a week.). That means I might want to spend my lunch hour staring into space instead of hitting the gym because dammit, that’s what I feel like doing today and I don’t get many moments when I get to do what I want. It means that we need to talk more about the concept of the physical 4th trimester too in which a woman is still experiencing pregnancy and birth after-the-fact by adjusting to her new body and her new life with a new baby.
As I’ve said before, I have a lifetime to work on my fitness goals and I know from experience that it will be much easier once baby grows and starts to become less dependent on me. Besides, I don’t actually think I’m all that ready to get rid of my smooshy belly which is the only thing I have left that indicates a baby was just there growing and kicking me with all of his might. Oh and I LOVED being pregnant so I might keep this belly-relic around just a tad longer. I’m also not in any rush to run a race or clobber a new obstacle course since training for something like that takes a lot of time, most of which would be away from my family or would take up the one hour a day I truly get to myself.
So for now, I’m going to employ the What You Can When You Can Rule when it comes to my fitness. If I’m in the mood, I’ll do it. If not, I’ll make up for in other ways like taking the stairs whenever possible or getting off the bus a stop or two early. But if I don’t get to it today, tomorrow is another chance to get it in. Either way, I’m really stinkin’ happy. I have the two most adorable children in the history of ever:
and I can’t help but feel like a new chapter is on the horizon for our little family so I’m just gonna roll with it and enjoy every moment. There have been far too many tragic things happening in our world lately so I really can’t be wasting my time feeling like I didn’t do enough with my days. So I guess you could say that lately, I’m unfluffing nasty thoughts and unpleasant feelings out of my life. And I feel as though this blog is just that for me right now: perhaps not just about me losing weight but also about me shaking off the excess baggage that comes with trying to live up to a few too many self-imposed expectations. You might see an uptick of these types of posts moving forward as I feel that I’ve grown beyond just my physical transformation over these last [almost] two years. I hope you’ll stay with me.