Mustering all the musters

You guys.

I’m a 30 year old do-it-all. I have arrived at the intersection of working full time, raising 2 kids, keeping my marriage awesome, having my own blog and writing twice a month for another, holding a national board position for my sorority and planning next year’s sorority leadership conference.

That’s like…at least 5 google calendars.

Notice how “health and fitness” are not on that list. WHEN WOULD I DO THAT!? Easy there Maria Kang, I don’t need you to chime in, that was a rhetorical question.

When I started writing this blog a few years ago, I thought to myself, I could do this forever! Turns out though, that my subjects have migrated over time and with good reason. I have a very awesome and privileged life these days and I am enjoying it and also surviving it as well as I can. AND I am still unfluffing just maybe not just my weight. The things I cared about 5 years ago (i.e. making lots of money (lol I know right, I work in education, what was I thinking??), being a “cool urban mom” in Chicago, becoming a world-famous blogger with a book deal directly from Tina Fey herself, etc. ) are not my priorities now.

So after shedding all those pounds and, let’s be honest, gaining half of them back due to eating my feelings and inactivity and stress, I can’t adequately discuss healthy/fitness-y anything right now.

But I can tell you how I’ve shed the excess weight and baggage of always doubting myself. And the fear that I’m not doing this whole parenting thing right. And that even though I’m not where I would love to be physically, I still feel pretty awesome and my kids think my belly fat is cool which is all the validation I need.

insert pic of amazing childrenz

But I really-and I will emphasize this- really need to get my sh*t together. Sonia Sotomayor (my Puerto Rican SHE-RO) did not get to the supreme court by writing appointments down on post its that flew away in the wind. I am going through an organization crisis and I’m trying to find the best system for me that works. So far I’ve come up with a combination of Bullet Journaling and color-coded Google calendars. Both are great and super handy…when I remember to LOOK at them…and pay attention and update them and what not.

I’ve never been a list person though. I don’t get excited about color-coded, tabbed, highlighted things. And well…as an event planner full time that’s…well that’s my downfall! I love what I do and I like the process of planning it’s just the extreme details I really need to focus in on a little better.

I will say that this rambling of a post has me thinking about expanding my topics beyond things I eat out of jars and how I like to pack my gym bag. Unfluffing is a verb that can be applied to all things LIFE. Got a corner full of clutter like I do? BAM!

Let’s unfluff it. Kids a little too wrapped up in getting new toys after a streak of getting new school things and being spoiled by family members? UNFLUFF THAT ATTITUDE. Let’s bring it back home to simpler things in life together. Let’s unfluff all the stuff.

Are you dealing with something that you KNOW is getting to be more complicated than it needs to be? It could be your weight. It could be your out of control, overgrown wardrobe. It could be your diet. If could be your calendar situation like mine. Have you recently successfully unfluffed something in your life? Tell me all about it!

❤ M.

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Food Adultery

It’s been a while since I’ve written but today, I feel inspired.

Do you ever feel like your partner or best friend is cheating on you when they try a new restaurant or food without you? Have you ever been reduced to “WHEN DID YOU EAT THERE?!” when they tell you, “oh yeah, that place is good.” Have you ever genuinely felt hurt, betrayed or just plain jealous when you find out he/she tried spaghetti squash/specialty hot dogs/ frozen hot chocolate etc. without you? I have. I’m feeling it right now.

Today, my husband snagged a day off from work since he has all sorts of extra vacation time he needs to use up by the end of the year. He’s out and about, having a day to himself while I’m at work and babycakes is at the sitter. Don’t judge, we try to tell our sitter well in advance if she won’t be getting paid a full week and since this was super last minute, we dropped babycakes off in the morning. Well, I’m over here reading buzzfeed buried in work and he starts checking in to the movie theater on facebook and then he checks into Hot Doug’s, a place we’ve talked about visiting for years. Suddenly, I’m not even mad that he watched Thor without me (which I refer to as movie cheating, another subject for another time) or that he’s having the time of his life on his day off, I’m mad he is eating gourmet hot dogs without me. This may be a mixture of the uptick in my hormones lately or the fact that I’ve been dying for a day off for weeks and/or both but I suddenly feel like I’ve been cheated on. And although in real life, I realize it’s not actually adultery or even anything bad, I can’t help but feel a little slighted (sorry, boo). I’m slowly coming to my senses as we speak and also, I’ve been to many a restaurant or bar that my husband has yet to visit but for some crazy reason (probably his OFFSPRING I’M GROWING), I feel entitled to my jealousy.

Now, I know this is supposed to be a blog about my weight loss and health journey and, for the time being, about having a healthy pregnancy but dangit, a girl wants a fancy hot dog every once in a while too! We’ve been living barely a mile from this particular place for over a year now and on the one day I’m crazy jealous that I don’t have a day off, he goes and eats these two pieces of deliciosity:

At the end of the day, I will look back and laugh at myself for this because really, they’re just hot dogs. What’s really interesting to me, however, is the fact that for a moment I really genuinely felt hurt. What is that about? My husband gets to make the most out of his day off and hit up a restaurant we’ve been dying to try for years and I feel like he’s cheating on me? That’s nuts. Could be the baby hormones. Could be the huge influx of work I’ve had to do at my job these last few weeks. And it could also be my emotional eating creeping up on me.

In the past, eating something indulgent in secret or finishing off leftovers I knew everyone else would want somehow gave me a false sense of joy. On the flipside, finding an empty cookie plate or a wrapper of that thing I’ve been hoping to get my hands on all day genuinely made me feel sad, betrayed even. Well for a fleeting moment today, those feelings came back. I didn’t even know gourmet hot dogs would be on the menu today for one of us and now suddenly I’m mad I didn’t get to have them too? Come on Mariana, you’re better than that.

But you KNOW what I’m talking about. Food for many of us is enjoyable. It’s an experience and trying new foods and/or restaurants is an activity we may cherish with our partners, especially when you live in a place like Chicago where incredible restaurants pop up around you everyday. But it can also be this thing we can get really obsessive about pretty quickly. I’m already looking back on the last hour thinking really? All that for some hot dogs? But that’s the old me reacting to the fact that I missed out. I didn’t get a piece of the delicious pie. I don’t get the bragging rights he does. And those are the more unhealthy and dark sides to my relationship with food that have plagued me for years.

So mancakes, I have nothing but love for ya. No really, you’re the freakin’ love of my life. And I’m glad you got to enjoy your day off with a good movie and tasty eats that I only hope give you heartburn. I’m already over it and I look forward to the next time we get to explore a new place together.

❤ M.

The Mind Shift

One of this week’s long-winded facebook statuses:

Reading back through my recent blog posts and going over what I say versus what I do on a day-to-day basis has really made me stop and think. This may shock some of you, but I am a bit of a raging feminist (insert sarcastic womp womp here). I double majored in Psychology and Women’s Studies as an undergrad and I have very strong beliefs in the absolute equal rights and capabilities of all women everywhere. My husband is a feminist too, it’s one of the most wonderful and freeing things about being in a relationship with him. We are always on the same page.

So…I’ve realized that I am struggling a lot with my weight loss journey BECAUSE of my values. On the one hand, I want to lose weight. A lot of weight. For a variety of reasons: more energy, to fight a family history of high cholesterol, to be there for my family as long as possible and yes, for aesthetic reasons too. I want to look a certain way. I like to tell myself that the way I envision myself looking is not based on what I see in the media and what we as women are socialized to believe we are supposed to look like but that’s just bullshit. There is what some call “conventional attractiveness” in which thinner, more athletic bodies are more accepted and praised in our society. And some days I wake up and I want to fit into that category. I do, I admit it, someone take my feminist card and burn it.

Thankfully, most days I just want the way I look to match the way I feel. This manifests quite hilariously when I’m in a dressing room trying on a size that’s way too small. What? You mean I’m not a size 6 yet? But I FEEL that way! Anyway…

One problem I find myself running into when I have a desire to look a certain way is that it goes against a lot of the principles behind Health at Every Size and Body Image Movement (to name a couple). There is a divide among women (and men too), several actually. We’ve got the old-school, let’s all look like beauty pageant winners, no matter what it takes group. Then we have the plus-sized/curvy girl/beauty at any size movement that tells us to celebrate our bodies the way they are and fight for better representation in fashion and media (which I am 100% on board with). Very recently, the latest slogan to come out is Strong is the New Skinny that celebrates women [and men] working to build strong muscles and definition instead of just slimming down.

The thing is, none of these views are wrong in my opinion. You should have the right to decide what you want to look like and how you’re going to get there. It’s the WHY I have an issue with and also the path some might take to achieve their goals. If you want to be thin, average, curvy/plus, strong, etc. for reasons other than that’s just the way you would prefer to be (i.e. to attract a partner, be viewed as sexually desirable, because the magazines told you to, etc.) and you’re getting there through body shaming and deprivation of food, necessary medications and other healthy habits, then I have a problem with that.

I’m just so tired of hearing a lot of people in the health communities that I am now a part of engage in body and/or behavior shaming. For example, I’ll see posts about how someone had a bag of chips or a slice of pizza or cake at a birthday party and now need to work it off as punishment. I even feel a little irked when I see the whole “I’m only human!” thing. All of these are problematic to me because they all hint at feelings of shame, guilt and overall negativity. I’ve been guilty of this and I just don’t think I want to feel bad about it anymore. I just get so tired of seeing a constant “Did you mess up today? You better get out there and exercise!”. Screw that. Have a cupcake, sit still and worry about it tomorrow or even better: act like it never happened because one cupcake in a week will not derail you, especially if you are continuing to put in the work and make good choices at all other times of the day.

When I shared online that I was struggling with having leftover birthday cake around after my daughter’s party, one person told me she has her kids pick out individual slices at a bakery while she just has coffee. Where’s the fun in that? Where’s the joy of partaking in the treat to celebrate your child’s day? Unless you have 19 children like the Duggars and have a birthday to celebrate every week, I don’t see the harm in having a treat to celebrate on that day. I am really struggling with this whole all or nothing approach a lot of people seem to take.

Sure, what you ate might actually make you feel like crap because you don’t usually eat that way anymore, but that’s a hit I’m willing to take sometimes and you have to ask yourself was it worth it? If the answer is yes, pop a pepto and move on. If the answer is no, build on that for next time. But dwelling on it or acting in bizarre ways to punish yourself for it is wrong and disrespectful to your body.

I’ve started to really question myself a lot lately about whether or not I’m respecting my body. I have to remind myself that our stomachs do not have arms that pop out and place donuts directly into our mouths. We use our minds to ultimately decide if we are going to consume something or not. So let’s stop abusing our bodies for the mental choices we make! I can’t go for a run every time I choose pizza, I have to make peace with the choice and continue on with my nutrition and fitness per usual. I have to treat all of me, mind, body and soul with care. I don’t get to punish one part because of what the other parts did to it, it doesn’t work that way and it’s not respectful.

So I guess I could say that I have made a pretty big breakthrough lately. I’m going to make a conscious effort to not punish myself verbally and/or physically for the choices I make that aren’t always in line with my healthy habits. I’m going to focus on the positive choices and the wins. This is why Weight Watchers works for me, the point system makes room for that. You better believe you’ll see me celebrating things that are delicious, made with effort and care and because food is a part of life, it’s a part of my culture and it’s how humans celebrate special moments. Healthy living and indulgent behavior (not just food but also moments of inactivity, too much sun, etc.) can coexist and should coexist. I often joke that “when I’m done with weight loss” or “when I hit my goal”, life will be x, y and z but what I’ve finally started to learn on my own is that there will never be an end. Health and fitness is an ongoing relationship I have to maintain just like any other relationship I am in. Being active is a basic human need. So is eating high protein and sometimes high fat foods. I don’t get to stop when I’m “done” or too old and tired. There is no light at the end of the tunnel, there’s just light,everywhere.

And for goodness sakes, I need to really stop obsessing over my weight in general. This was a great article a friend shared with me this week titled “If You Must Think About Your Weight, Think These 10 Things”. Read it, let it sink in, and think of all the other ways we could be thinking about our bodies. I’ve been enlightened to what works for me when it comes to living a healthier life and all I can hope for is that I never allow my new-found consciousness go dim ever again. So from now on, I’m going to choose to be kind to myself. I’m still going to be sarcastic and crack jokes about food and health but I’m not going to continue the cycle of criticism and shaming that I put myself through every time I make I have to make a choice.

Wow, can you tell I’ve been mulling this over in my head for a good minute? Thanks for reading, feel free to comment with your own thoughts on this matter.

❤ M.

Weekly Weigh-In: Ho-hum

Meh. According to the receptionist at WW, I’m “up a smidge”. I expected it, I actually expected a higher gain than that so I’m pretty happy that it was just a bit. Truth be told, I haven’t been on top of my portion sizes, it’s been pretty freestyle lately. Not to mention, my early morning workouts are pretty much out the window. I have been exhausted in the mornings lately and I have been “sleeping in” (read: waking up at 6 instead of 5 am) and working out at work or in the afternoons. The thing is that these workouts are not as great, I’m much better in the a.m. I’m much more energized if I’m working out on an [almost] empty stomach instead of after a day of eating and drinking. I also am more likely to workout if I get it done first thing in the morning because we all know that as the day progresses, I am more likely to convince myself not to do it. Additionally, there are all of these reasons why morning workouts are wonderful for weight loss. 

I feel like I’m hitting a motivational slump. I don’t have a solid challenge I’m working on because quite frankly, the day-to-day work that goes into those has exhausted me completely.Ever since the Diet Bet debaucle, I have felt a little burned by the extreme behavior I engaged in and I feel like now I’ve thrown myself off and I’m trying to find my footing again. It’s like I’m in a pseudo-depressive state where I just can’t hop out of bed in the mornings as easily and the pep in my step is gone most days and forced on others. I have a lot of weight to lose, I’m probably about a third of the way there and it is starting to feel like such a daunting task. But I have so many great reasons to keep going, like the awesome stuff already happening on the inside as well as the outside. I am still working out 5 times a week and most of my meals are healthy and point friendly, but like I’ve said, I’ve been kind of indifferent about my portion sizes and I’ve been snacking like crazy these last 2 weeks. Now granted (and TMI for some, sorry in advance), this was my special lady week and I think I took that excuse and ran with it (not to mention the usual weight fluctuation that can happen).

Look, it’s just 0.2 lbs and I get that it sounds like I’m beating myself up for that pretty badly. But believe me when I say that I’m not even worried about that, I can make that disappear by next week. I’m just worried that I might be tip-toeing away from the things that work for me while no one is looking. It’s always easier to go back to the thoughtless behavior I engaged in before but that doesn’t benefit anyone, especially me. I just need a moment to be allowed to complain ok? Here goes: It’s just….uggghhhh so much work….someone do it for me! waaaahhhhhh.

Alright, I’m just going to sit on the couch until bedtime and then try again tomorrow morning. All we can do is try, right?

 M.

Dude, where’s my bandwagon?

Soo it’s been a really long weekend full of celebrations. Rehearsal dinner on Friday, wedding on Saturday, daughter’s birthday party Sunday, daughter’s actual birthday today. I have been on the go for days on end and I can’t even tell you all of the indulgent things I have eaten or drank. All I can say was that there was a lot of alcohol Saturday followed by endless cake up until today. There was certainly exercise though: dancing for almost a solid 3 hours Saturday night ( mostly in heels) and staying on my feet for over 6 hours straight cooking and doing party prep and FINALLY a 2 mile run today.

Ok, here’s a pause for some picture awesomeness from this weekend!

all dolled up for a wedding!

My homemade Funfetti Cake!

so many presents!

hittin’ up molly’s cupcakes on birthday day!

I have to admit though, aside from getting my diet back on track, I also need to get my fitness organized again. In the beginning, it was just do what I can to move more. Then I did 30 day shred, followed by the start of a 60 day 5K training program. All of these things had a structure to them and I stayed motivated because I saw results very quickly. Now all of those things have ended and now I feel like I’m at a loss for what I should do next. Fortunately, there are lunch hour group classes available at work Monday-Thursday which I am definitely going to be doing (especially yoga, that’s my jam). But as for running I don’t know if I should just start the 5K training again or just try to run 30 min every other day…I just don’t know. I just know that I want to keep that up! I do have Insanity at home but it involves a lot of jumping which in a 2nd floor apartment with hardwood floors at 5 am is no bueno. Plus, I’m not sure if I’m up for this particular kind of intense workout. I’d rather let Jillian verbally assault me if it means she’s doing it at a slower pace.

Like Brooke from Brooke Not On A Diet mentioned on Instagram tonight, there needs to be a new plan! I did jump onto the Runner’s World Summer Challenge to run a mile day from Memorial Day to Independence Day. This challenge was brought to my attention by Roni from Roni’s Weigh fierce leader of Fitbloggin’! But I want a little more, especially now that I have Fitbloggin’ to get ready for in less than 30 days! Am I over thinking this? Should I just take it easy and do my own thang? Maybe just commit to exercising for a certain time frame or amount of calories burned a day? Any DVD or low cost/free program out there? I’m afraid if I don’t come up with something soon I’ll slip off into bad habit land, never to be heard from or seen again!

Weigh-In tomorrow! Night night.

Weekly Weigh-In Post and Diet Bet Reflection

Let’s get the awesomeness out of the way shall we??

Oh yeah! Still rockin’ my weigh ins! I was very satisfied to see a lot of the hard work I have been putting in lately paying off. I put in a lot of strength training and cardio circuits last week. I even tried a couple of rounds of Insanity and holy crap y’all, it was hard. The first time I did the warm up I was like, no, this can’t be. It’s too….well…INSANE! But I got through it and did what I could and I had quite the caloric burn from it!

Aside from just trying to increase my fitness still and shedding weight, the biggest push for me these last few weeks (and even today) has been the Diet Bet I participated in. As many of you know, I signed up for A Merry Life‘s Diet Bet last month and pledged to lose 4% of my body weight in 4 weeks. It was a fun way to socialize and make losing weight a game but as the game neared to an end it really started to mess with me. More so than ever before, I was obsessing about what I ate, thinking constantly about burning calories, working out, avoiding certain foods, lifting weights in my kitchen etc. It was becoming a little bit too much and I’m pretty surprised that mancakes hasn’t tried throwing me out the window.

On Monday morning, I weighed in at the lowest weight I have seen since college and I thought to myself, I can win this thing! I didn’t consider other factors though like how I hadn’t eaten much the evening before, I had just weighed myself after a 600 calories burned run and the fact that I still had a few more days to go. Yesterday morning I had to fast for my physical and didn’t  have anything to eat until lunch time. That alone messed with me a little and it showed right away on the scale this morning. I submitted a winning bet anyway and told myself I can make that number show up by the last possible second I have to confirm my final weight (which is tomorrow before midnight in case you’re wondering).

So I left home with a plan to drink my detox tea at work, go for a run during lunch and eat just what I need to stave off hunger. Folks, I don’t normally operate this way. It’s like I’ve been given a movie role on the condition that I lose 25 pounds by the end of next week. Or I’m trying to lower my weight class before a wrestling match. I’m doing crazy things and thinking up crazy ways to make this all happen and for what? 25 bucks? I easily spend that much on any given day on any given thing so why can’t I part with it? Or is it the pressure to be able to say to all of you who follow me that I won the Diet Bet? That I wasn’t a total failure? I never made any promises to anyone so why am I being so hard on myself? Also, I still managed to lose 7.5 lbs in 4 weeks but I keep fixating on how I didn’t make it to the 9 lbs I was assigned. Really Mariana? You’re going to beat yourself up over 1.5 lbs? You’re  almost to the next size down in pants and to a huge milestone in your weight loss and you’re upset over a Diet Bet?

Look, some people are designed to let these kinds of things roll off their backs. I let A LOT of things roll off my back all the time but clearly, I am not cut out for doing this particularly kind of challenge. I end up being too hard on myself and become obsessive over the littlest things. Sure, there are certainly benefits to the game like having something extra in the back of my mind that reminded me to stay on track as much as possible but hearing myself say things like “I want to win my diet bet so no _____ for me until next weekend!” or “I’m going to work out in the kitchen, I want to win this diet bet” was ridiculous, unnatural and not me. Also, it’s super annoying to listen to, apologies to you again mancakes.

I now acknowledge that I probably just can’t handle being a Diet Better, at least not for now. If my goal had been smaller it might have felt more doable but 9 lbs in 4 weeks? That’s a lot, especially for me as I am now at a point in my journey where my losses have steadied out to a good pace of only 1-1.5 lbs a week. jumping up to losing 2 or more lbs a week after not being totally new to weight loss (when you might lose 5 lbs your first week!) was really hard and at times discouraging. That’s not good. That’s not healthy. I shouldn’t feel bad for not being able to lose more than 2 lbs a week when it’s usually not even recommended by doctors and nutritionists.

So what I’m trying to say is that I found out the hard way that Diet Bet may not be for me. Perhaps I will try again some other time when my goal is not as lofty or maybe after I’ve had my next kiddo (read: not currently pregnant) and I’m in a position where losing a bunch of weight quickly is already going to happen naturally.

Don’t think I’m dissing on Diet Bet because the actual website/app/community/game is fantastic and fun! And if you are new to losing weight, it’s actually an awesome way to get started! But if you’ve hit cruise control and things are smooth sailing and doing their own thing naturally, having to hit the accelerator on your body all of a sudden can be a little too much and frankly not worth the mind f***.

So in conclusion: I’m still kicking ass and taking names and I won’t beat myself up for 25 bucks I would have probably spent on nachos and beer anyway (<—cuz Chicago is expensive and yes I still eat and drink this on occasion)

  M.

Errday I’m Strugglin’

I’m still, as my friend Kata would say, riding the struggle bus. I’ve managed to work out a ton this week and although many calories met their doom at the hands of my ass kickin’, it still hasn’t been easy. My workouts, particularly my runs, haven’t been very gratifying because I’m still struggling with my allergies. It sucks feeling as though I can’t really catch my breath.

In the beginning of my 5K training, I worried so much that I wouldn’t have the stamina to get through a mile but I had already put in over a month of 30 Day Shred which built my stamina up so well that I found out very quickly I really could run for a long period of time. Now that whatever the heck I’m allergic to is in season (I suspect it’s grass, that crap is everywhere) a mile is almost as daunting as it was 6 months ago when I was pre-Project Unfluff. I did catch myself over thinking my running yesterday morning as the ache in my legs started and I was struggling with my breathing. I was focusing so hard on that that I ended up having to walk a little on and off. As I was getting closer to the end of my run I told myself to just relax and go slow and suddenly my legs felt much better.

Just goes to show that a hard time is just as much mental as it can be physical. Speaking of my mental state, I’m really worried I won’t win my diet bet. It was another tough week with graduations going on at my job (I work for a university) and celebrating my best friend’s graduation with treats and tailgating before a baseball game. I know I overdid some things this weekend so I really need to focus this week. I’m going to seriously switch to simply filling on Tuesday, only stocking up on power foods and staying on top of my activity. I’m also going to throw in my secret weapon: Jillian Michaels’ detox water just to give myself a fighting chance! But hey, any weight loss is still a victory, amiright?

Lastly, Happy Mother’s to any and all of you who play a role in raising children! Keep up the great work and take some time to relax today!

❤ M. and babycakes

Weekly Weigh-In: It Had to Happen

Well Unfluffers, all good things must come to an end…like 9 straight weeks of weight loss. To my credit, I had some struggles last week that were out of my control.

For starters, allergy season is in full force and this might be the worst one I have ever experienced. Right now, I’m taking two different 24 hour allergy meds and using my rescue inhaler everyday. The first half of last week I spent barely sleeping between the asthma and the post nasal…well you know. Working out was nearly impossible until later in the week because I could barely catch my breath. I also lost my voice entirely Wednesday-Saturday which made communicating in person rather difficult. I was a mess and with two thirds of my little family down for the count (babycakes was sick too) there was a lot of convenience-over-nutrition meals. On Sunday alone we had McDonald’s twice because we were on the go visiting family out of town. The sodium from those two meals plus not drinking enough water probably did me in among other things.

Not to mention, I was just under the weather and not up for putting too much effort into my meals by the end of the week. We started off strong though! For the first half of the week we busted out the crock pot for these two Skinnytaste recipes: Chicken a La Criolla and Pernil (both Puerto Rican meals). They were awesome! I served the chicken over brown rice on Monday, the pernil with white rice and black beans on Tuesday and we mixed the pernil with BBQ sauce for pork sandwiches on Wednesday. On Saturday mancakes made this fantastic meal on the grill too:

So anyway, I know I can’t win them all and it makes sense that I gained. But I’m doing a diet bet dammit! I can’t be gaining!

So in response I put in 3 workouts since yesterday and I’m drinking water like a fish. Here’s to hoping it pays off!

Here’s an NSV just to end on a positive note. The picture on the left is me 30ish pounds ago. The one on the right was taken today. Less face fluff! Holla!

❤ M.

It’s not all unicorns and rainbows.

http://majesticnarwhalicorn.deviantart.com/art/Obese-unicorn-xD-323018028

Kids, I’m frustrated.

About a month ago, I came across a great blog post about the pros and cons of losing weight.  It was excellent and today it’s also very timely because many people assume that losing weight is a good thing, period. Fitting into smaller clothes/spaces is a good thing, no questions asked. Being able to achieve more physically is a good thing, done. Being healthier is nothing but unicorns and rainbows.

Well, I hate to break it to you but there are times when losing weight can be a very frustrating and unpleasant thing because of the many issues that come up that you’re not always prepared for.

Today I woke up at 5:15 with the intent to work out in my living room. I skipped that to sleep in a little more since it’s A. Monday B. technically my first rest day in almost a week. Instead I got up at 6, showered and put on some new grey pants I picked up yesterday. I didn’t love them at the store, but I needed them because I have been wearing the same black pants to work at least 3-4 days a week for almost 2 months now. Those pants are getting worn out and and I needed a different color to wear besides black. But I was not totally convinced this morning and kept wearing them around with tags on until the last possible second after my mancakes confirmed that I really did need these pants. You see, I’m in this weird in between stage where I am not quite ready for the next size down but the current size I am at looks baggy and terrible especially for work. The next size down in tights, however, is too tight so wearing a dress or skirt today wasn’t really an option either.

Fine whatever. And then it all went downhill from there. After running outside to look for something in the car and realizing it was warmer than I thought, I came back into the house a changed woman. I went from an ok mood to down right shitty because I realized I had nothing to wear for this weather. All of my coats, let me repeat, all of my coats (living in chicago, I own at least 4) are too big. The one coat I once owned that would have been perfect for today was a short black trench coat I gave away last year because it was TOO SMALL. I started getting stressed out and kind of mean (I yelled a little) and I left the house fuming.

As I got on the bus holding a fleece coat I practically need to wear belted like a bathrobe for it to fit, I realized that I very sadly gave away a lot of clothes during our move last year. We are talking 6 TRASH BAGS OF CLOTHES. I remember thinking at the time what a relief it was to get rid of so much stuff but today it hit me how little faith I must have had in myself at the time to truly believe that I would never have the will or the strength to work my way back into those clothes. 

This journey isn’t just about seeing the number on the scale go down and the miles I can run go up, it’s also about building up my confidence and faith in myself. Today I realized that what I thought was my rock bottom (a terrifying number I saw on the scale) was not really it. The act of giving away hundreds, maybe even thousands of dollars worth of smaller clothes because I didn’t believe I would ever be able to wear them again was my true rock bottom. It hurts to realize that at one point I not only gave away so much in material goods, I gave up and gave away my own belief in myself too. Ouch.

HUMPH.

Although I am still riding the excitement wave of Tuesday’s weigh-in, these last three days have been dreadful fitness-wise. Since about Saturday night, my little peanut has had a terrible time sleeping. For reasons known (she’s been getting tangled up in her newly introduced blanket) and unknown (inexplicable sleep-crying, perhaps a night terror?) I have been getting up at all hours of the night just untangling her or calming her back to sleep. In turn, my last three attempts at getting up to work out have failed because I’m just too tired.

Last night, after dinner was eaten and babycakes was tucked in with the dinosaur pillow I made her and a less cumbersome blanket, I headed out the door to the gym. I got in the car, pulled out of the alley and could not figure out why the steering wheel was at such a sharp angle. I pulled over and jumped out only to find a completely flat passenger-side tire. Seriously? I was mad, I thought “I can’t even go to the gym now??” There were many more choice words after that as I backed down our one way street to get the car back into the garage.

The upside to all of this is that if I had not decided to go to the gym, we would not have uncovered the flat until morning and we would not have been able to borrow my neighbor’s car to pick up a tire inflator from Home Depot like I did last night. This morning would have been awful with having a tow truck as our only option and a toddler in tow. Fortunately, mancakes is saving the day and handling all of that since I had a 9 am appointment at work.

My next failed attempt happened this morning. After everyone finally got a night of sleep, my alarm went off at 5:20 am and I almost did not get out of bed. And then I did and as I put on my crappy old gym shoes (because I forgot my new shoes at work), I started to get really mad. Mad about being awake, mad about not being able to take the car to the gym, mad at Jillian’s stupid skinny face. She started the warm up for Level 3 and I just said nope. I couldn’t do it. I was not willing to do the Shred today, I shouldn’t have gotten up, I should have stayed in bed. Instead I tore off my shoes and went to sleep on the couch for 20 minutes before having to get up and shower.

I wouldn’t necessarily say I feel guilty that I haven’t worked out. Well, ok, after yesterday’s homemade banana French toast, I’m feeling a little guilty. The thing is, if I’m going to do it, I want it to be on my terms. I wanted, so very badly, to go to the gym and run on the treadmill. I wanted to watch crappy silent tv while I listened to my playlist on my ipod and sweated my life away. I wanted to get out of the house and move my body.

Click Me for Awesome.

My temper tantrum wasn’t about being awake so early to work out, it was about wanting to get that euphoric feeling I get when I’m doing something I like to get my heart rate up. Jillian, 27 days of 30 day shred gave me results but it didn’t give me that feeling so I just didn’t want it today. The funny thing is, I was feeling crappy because I hadn’t worked out in a few days and then here I am, about to work out and I didn’t want to work out. Oh lord, now I know what’s it’s like to be a toddler.

I know I’m not alone here. Or am I?

❤ M.