It’s not all unicorns and rainbows.

http://majesticnarwhalicorn.deviantart.com/art/Obese-unicorn-xD-323018028

Kids, I’m frustrated.

About a month ago, I came across a great blog post about the pros and cons of losing weight.  It was excellent and today it’s also very timely because many people assume that losing weight is a good thing, period. Fitting into smaller clothes/spaces is a good thing, no questions asked. Being able to achieve more physically is a good thing, done. Being healthier is nothing but unicorns and rainbows.

Well, I hate to break it to you but there are times when losing weight can be a very frustrating and unpleasant thing because of the many issues that come up that you’re not always prepared for.

Today I woke up at 5:15 with the intent to work out in my living room. I skipped that to sleep in a little more since it’s A. Monday B. technically my first rest day in almost a week. Instead I got up at 6, showered and put on some new grey pants I picked up yesterday. I didn’t love them at the store, but I needed them because I have been wearing the same black pants to work at least 3-4 days a week for almost 2 months now. Those pants are getting worn out and and I needed a different color to wear besides black. But I was not totally convinced this morning and kept wearing them around with tags on until the last possible second after my mancakes confirmed that I really did need these pants. You see, I’m in this weird in between stage where I am not quite ready for the next size down but the current size I am at looks baggy and terrible especially for work. The next size down in tights, however, is too tight so wearing a dress or skirt today wasn’t really an option either.

Fine whatever. And then it all went downhill from there. After running outside to look for something in the car and realizing it was warmer than I thought, I came back into the house a changed woman. I went from an ok mood to down right shitty because I realized I had nothing to wear for this weather. All of my coats, let me repeat, all of my coats (living in chicago, I own at least 4) are too big. The one coat I once owned that would have been perfect for today was a short black trench coat I gave away last year because it was TOO SMALL. I started getting stressed out and kind of mean (I yelled a little) and I left the house fuming.

As I got on the bus holding a fleece coat I practically need to wear belted like a bathrobe for it to fit, I realized that I very sadly gave away a lot of clothes during our move last year. We are talking 6 TRASH BAGS OF CLOTHES. I remember thinking at the time what a relief it was to get rid of so much stuff but today it hit me how little faith I must have had in myself at the time to truly believe that I would never have the will or the strength to work my way back into those clothes. 

This journey isn’t just about seeing the number on the scale go down and the miles I can run go up, it’s also about building up my confidence and faith in myself. Today I realized that what I thought was my rock bottom (a terrifying number I saw on the scale) was not really it. The act of giving away hundreds, maybe even thousands of dollars worth of smaller clothes because I didn’t believe I would ever be able to wear them again was my true rock bottom. It hurts to realize that at one point I not only gave away so much in material goods, I gave up and gave away my own belief in myself too. Ouch.